You can't make an omelet without blowing things up.
You can't make an omelet without blowing things up.
Coming soon to a bookstore near you!
Setting: Casewarts School of Boredom and Losery, The Chamber of Spoilers
Neveron: (Enters chamber) Ah ha, at long last I have found the Chamber of Spoilers! No one else has entered this area for hundreds of years!
Bouyack: (Standing in far corner; rubs hands together)
Neveron: …anyway, I must now slay the evil Basilisk of Spoilers before the next HP book comes out. I wonder where it is?
Samuel L. Jackson: (Runs in) What??? More mo-fo snakes on my mo-fo campus?? (Cocks shotgun, handguns, and pulls pins on all his grenades) I have had it with these — (is blasted with green light from behind; dies)
Neveron: What? No! It can't be –!
Lord Pauldemort: (Standing behind Samuel L. Jackson's corpse) Mwahaha! Did you really think you could read the book before you knew its ending? (Waves wand, casts Decrepify on Neveron)
Neveron: Nooooooooooo (tries to run away, but moves too slowly)
Bouyack: (Standing in far corner; rubs hands together)
Lord Pauldemort: (Conjures LCD displaying YTMND) Now you shall see the climax before the book is published! Harry is a Horcux! Ron is really a figment of Hermione's imagination! Snape kills Trinity with Rosebud!
Neveron: NOOOOOOOOO
Lord Pauldemort: Palmer dies! Tony sorta-dies! The time on the clock in Zozo is… uh…
Neveron: 6:10:30?
Lord Pauldemort: That's right! 6:10:30!
Neveron: NOOOOOOOOO
Lord Pauldemort: The missiles are hidden behind the other missiles, which are themselves hidden behind the Power Bombs! The T800 is the good guy! Nina is the mole! StarCraft Ghost was never meant to be published! Aslan dies but comes back! Bhudda Paris is actually Lars! Voyager makes it home in seven years! The Dark King is the one who wrote the prophecy! Bruce Willis actually died at the start of the movie! Gustav kills the vampire-looking dude! Bruce Willis actually has a gun taped to his back! Spock gives his katra to McCoy! Truman defeats Dewey! Picard is an obtuse piece of flotsam! The duck is really a dragon!
Neveron: BAH! Now I'm entirely desensitized to modern popular culture!
Lord Pauldemort: (Evil grin) And… … …I killed Mufasa!
Neveon: NOOOOoooo (falls down shaft out the bottom of Cloud City)
Professor Gerfaldore: (Runs in) Don't worry, I’ve come to save –
Jackalus Snape: ARRR (diving-tackles Gerfaldore into a pit of acid)
Bouyack: (Rubs hands together)
Even if Gerfaldore had gotten there in time, you'd have still been Spoiled… you see, even if you start reading the book immediately when it comes out, you only have 2 hours to get to the spoilers!! I know where you live so I can get there in about 2 hours, and I can just read the last two chapters of the book first on the way there, so you're DOOMED!! (Unless you warp to a random waypoint in Act III, pick a random direction, and start running. Then I'll never find you.)
Also, Sephiroth kills Aeris! Orsted becomes the new Demon King Odio! Genji marries his adopted daughter (among others)! Alia kills Baron Harkonnen (I think)! Tidus is really a fayth and the Final Summoning kills the summoner! Kain betrays Cecil a bazillion times! Romeo and Juliet both commit suicide! Garland will knock you all down! Leslie Nielsen kills the ghost by doing that line from "Airplane"! It's Riiiidge Racer! The Wii vastly outsells the PS3! Scott announces his engagement to Erin after the last D&D session! Mario Bros. 2 is just a dream! Aeneas founds Rome! Gerf likes men!
And there's more where that came from…
- Lord Pauldemort